My slice of the night sky

2012-01-09T06:17:00.001+08:00

faith enough

2012-01-09T05:53:00.000+08:00

just in case, ur wondering
no these last few posts have little/nothing to do with my exchange,
im fine, not homesick in the least...
everythings well, cold yes, but it's all pretty good.

perhaps my last few posts sounded a little depressed and i guess i shouldnt have used the phrase far away (due to their homesick connotations) cos now some people assume that im not settling in well
i am settling in well, its been surreal

its just
i think my decision to come to finland aside from the 6 months holiday, chance to meet interesting people and the cheaper booze
was partly to run away.......

and sliver of it was in the hope of finding God in the wilderness, or that He would come find me in mine

if/when im honest with myself, it gets kinda scary
cos i dont think ive grown much spiritually over the past 3 years,
yes there has been much intellectual, emotional and social growth, which is always awesome,
much cynicism as well

if im brutally honest,
i think ive regressed to a point where im ashamed to spread the gospel?
im not ashamed of being a christian
im ashamed of the church because thats so often a mess
and im even more ashamed to ask people to look at my life, because its a bigger mess sometimes
and that is a problem

we dont talk about it in church at all,
the struggles, how its hard to make sense of the christian life,
how the standard we're called to in word, thought and deed is so far removed from where we're at,

we dont talk about because it seems church has become a place for whole people to celebrate their wholesomeness
no room for the broken
no room for those with issues
and i do have issues,

and it doesnt help that id rather be out with friends drinking than being at service or worship retreat
or wadever

i came to finland to hash out my personal issues,
to be amonst unfamiliars to deal with the things i couldnt reveal amonst friends

i also came to finland to burn my bridges,

you cant make it to the other shore if ur saving reserves for the return, sun tze taught us that (the swimming analogy is from gattaca, but the principle was originally sun tze's),

i dont think i have anymore time to postpone growing up

thats the gist of it, as much as i can muster, and if you still cant get it,
just assume im lovesick or something, cos i guess thats partly true, in a way, annywaysh

home enough to know im lost

i'll follow you into the dark

2012-01-09T00:43:00.001+08:00

feeling so far away,
God, i miss you

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Jealous kind

2012-01-06T16:15:00.001+08:00

I hate myself for feeling this waySo far away and helpless Chose the gallows to the aislesThought the love would never find, Hanging ropes will never keep youFrom the love of a jealous kind

paris

2012-01-05T04:57:00.002+08:00

if you must know, im missing, i dont know,
its i dont really miss anything i had or did,

except the idea of something i never had.........................

im just eager, and at the same time dreading the time when i have to return home
back to life
back to decisions
back to life, oh dreadful boring sad ..... and ultimately futile?
well i hope not
i should pray not, but i dont think its something i can muster right now

i dont want to be that guy
....
its the worst thing i could ever do

2011-12-31T03:50:00.001+08:00

I haven't felt this alone before, sitting in an Irish pub, down one guinness with a Kilkenny waiting for the band to start....Though maybe not really a blessing, Tham God for providing me ppl to waste away the night with while consuming booze waiting for the band

the edge of water

2011-12-31T01:45:00.002+08:00

i realise now that with a new finland exchange wordpress up, this place may just wither and die
for those who dont know abt the wordpress its
http://goingtonorwayohwait.wordpress.com/

anyways random song to set the mood
have you ever been haunted,
the way ive been by you

2011-12-12T01:36:00.001+08:00

and so just like that
we round out a chapter of my life
with more whimper than bang

please remember me more fondly than i deserve

2011-11-28T21:20:00.001+08:00

2011-11-26T13:05:00.001+08:00

goodbye fair elva
adeiu my gentle friend
you illuminated my darkness
but even light must have an end

i wished i could cradle
your heart in the palm of my hands
but you were promised to another
even before our adventure began

so keep shining keep flickering
over yonger hills that lie
be blessed, be happy
may your life go kindly by

2011-11-25T17:10:00.001+08:00

this weeks favorite song while studying

2011-11-25T13:10:00.001+08:00

I feel like russel crowe's character at the end of proof of lifeAnd it really kinda sucks

2011-11-19T00:50:00.001+08:00

was thinking/talking over msn about the whole predestitnation armenian/calvanistic broohooha

and several thoughts just came and i wanted to take them down somewhere, so im posting here,
i think teh middle ground im taking is one that we are presented with free will,
and granted some of choices do have overarching consequence for example if we reject salvation,
or today choose to go out and commit some heneous blasphamy

but i think at the same time, God takes either option we do choose and somehow still woves it into the scheme of things

its like perhaps RPGs where NPC dialogue has no effect on the game ending, but just flavours the journey???

but at the same time, i lesson i learnt by getting thrashed by AI at chess has taught me one thing

that it may take one mistake to doom us,
but that usually happens mid game instead of late

and sometimes even incrementally
a small group of bad decisions add together to doom us 20 moves down the road

maybe lifes like that
we keep making the stupid and bad decisions
and they eventually add up, and God has to come along and pull a miracle

whose to say that thats not His plan

maybe we should stop communicating for awhile?
people who have a propensity to run away probably shouldnt egg each other on

2011-11-17T23:54:00.001+08:00

I'm not pissed, at least I don't feel pissed,Then again, I'm not very good at feelingI guess I just underestimated entropy, or overestimated youAnd perhaps, things don't play out like in the movies, and I won't get a happy ending

2011-11-16T18:28:00.001+08:00

been listening to everywhere i go by lissie, far too much to be healthy
sometimes i wonder if im emotionally imbalanced, my favorite christmas song is florence and the machine's cover of last christmas

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if we could live in a society without expectations,
without obligations without disappointments
where we could just be, without having to worry about the utility of our actions

been seriously contemplating every few days about just burning my bridges and cutting all ties,

ignoring emails and calls and smses( well more than i usually do)

i doubt it'd make a difference
well maybe it'd inconvenience some, like theyd have to worry how they'd get another sound man on a sunday or something, not like i give a shit at this point

its not my job to make sure that there is someone around to do sound
of course it would be nice, and the proprious thing to do,

but im getting tired of doing the nice thing

whats our worth anyways?
they say doing sound is like a toilet bowl,
aside from how disturbing an image it is,
its always been my favourite analogy

sigh didnt mean to rant,
just that i dont want to hang around a place i dont want to be in dec, but i fear i may be too nice to tell them to bugger off and solve their own problem
i guess its my fault for not telling them sooner

2011-11-10T23:35:00.001+08:00

E if u read this, you should totally check out the watchlistentell channel... good stuff

nearly teared listening to this song on repeat...
if u can believe that.

i think all artist should strictly perform on randomn streets and parks
screw mtvs and big stages

Everywhere i go- Lissie
And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to be

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me all that i should know

And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to be

To evoke some empathy

Danger will follow me now

Everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

Well this tired mind

Just wants to be lead home

And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me how's the way to see

Show me all that i could be

And i fall on my knees

Tell me how's the way to be yeah

Tell me how's the way to go

Tell me why i feel so low

Angels will follow me now

Everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

Well these tired eyes

Just want to remain closed

I don't see clearly can't feel nothing no

Can't you hear me?

And i fall on my knees

And angels will call on me

Now everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

And angel will fall on me

Everywhere i walk

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

And angels will call on me

Now everywhere i go

Angels will follow me

Now lead me to my home

2011-11-09T01:57:00.000+08:00

was intending on posting about two seperate points today, but then i had a nice cool long bath,
and i effectively forgot about the more angsty (though profound) point i wanted to talk about

actually tbh, abt that point, i only remembered that i wanted to blog it since it was so profound

well i guess the profoundity is lost

anyways today i felt like posting on the importance of wonder

i know ive talked about it before, but i was thinking about it today
and i realised how awesome beholding is and how it actually is our initial purpose as creation

you know how that disney song goes
i can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid

an invitation to behold the world together, something apparently romantic and endearing

be mindful of the fact this is sung by a character who a few movie scenes earlier bemoaned his place in the world as a street rat

but who quotes disney with any credibility
so here is the biblical perspective:

man was made so God could share creation with us (read genesis please)

and perhaps i would go so far as God made us in pairs so we could behold creation together

i think thats why, art, music, nature and beauty in general is made to be appreciated with others

and no im not advertising for any young attractive females who might be looking for someone to behold creation with
although i honestly wouldnt mind meeting some of them

2011-11-04T01:15:00.000+08:00

why must i be on the outside looking in??

anyways recently i picked up a douglas coupland book, player one by sheer flippancy and i am so enjoying it

maybe its the postmodernist bent, maybe the loss of faith he writes into his characters, but whatever it is...

and one thought today:
what if our lives didnt have a story, no metaphysical narrative running through reality,
just a sequence of random events that aside from the trivial mean nothing, no moral backtrack,
no punchline, and definitely no happily ever after
what then?

we're trained to think as if at teh end of the day, we'll go somewhere, do something, achieve some meaning
but what if there isnt that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

a quote from the book im reading that i love love love:

those key moments that define us probably fill less than three minutes

and u probably can see why im loving it

2011-10-28T16:43:00.001+08:00

wow another post today, must be the weekend mood
my weekend mood is quite different id expect from others
i hate weekends, and i cant wait for them to be over.

why?
because there's only so much that can go on in school to hurt me socially or emotionally?
and in generally i dont come out feeling more refreshed on weekends?

its tiring playing the good churchgoer, and being all cordial since ur supposed to love people you dont really like; very often i get tired from having to censor the bulk of my wayward and judgemental thoughts when i hear some incoherent sermon. (I never figured out why we're taught to listen to every sermon like its precious, i mean sure God can speak through fishermen, but when He does, i bet the people listening noticed the difference, and i'll listen when i can see the difference)

sigh another tirade

so anyways what i actually wanted to blog about was prayer.

i had this random question run thru my head
does prayer only work forward or does it work backward

most people.... well actually i have no idea how the main population think,
but i shall assume (since i like to play the contrarian) that they think that prayer only works forward
ie. you have to pray before an event in order for your prayers to have any effect

i was wondering however whether praying after the said event would work too i mean since i suscribe to the theology that God is outside of time.

It is i must admit a very enticing stand since it helps explain if God can save people who lived before Jesus' time. However passages such as in daniel, where daniel's prayers hasted the angels trip become a problem

i of course believe that we pray because it makes a difference. what difference and how, i have no fixed opinion on. I refuse to believe that God cant act on his own agenda, since majority of our prayers probably arent very spiritual at all, and i also dont believe He only acts when we prayer, since the church obviously doesnt pray enough, and thus it probably would have died out if God had to rely on people praying. I do believe that prayer can and sometimes changes Gods mind, but whether this contradicts with omnicscience, hmm, maybe our prayers work rather as a justification for mercy, which would be congruent with Abraham pleading for Sodom and Gomorrah, or how the Israelites needed blood on the doorpost, as if an angel of death couldnt differentiate between Jew and Egyptian (i see the blood on the doorpost as a justification for mercy).

I do believe that it pleases God to pray, and also we cant claim to care alot about something if we dont pray for it.

as you can see i believe in many paradoxical things at once, which is fine with me since im truly a postmodernist.

Being a postmodernist i also have no problems not answering my own questions, since not all questions have answers, at least not on our side of eternity.

Is it wrong to be christian and a postmodernist at the same time?
well the bible doesnt say its wrong (hehe, of course postmodernism is quite a new ideology) but many prominent christians tend to think so, since christianity is kind of about absolute truths,
and being a postmodernist tends to put me at odds with the majority of fundamentalist christians (whom i obviously look down on)

then again, some say postmodernism is over and the new post post modernists, tend to take authority at its word....

well anyways, the whole gamut of beliefs and differing theologies dont exactly make the case for fundamentalism. How can all of these slightly differing truths be absolute, unless one is right and the rest well-meaning but mistaken and how am i to know to know which one is the correct one?
the local theology? (any search algorithm programmer would tell you that while it is understandable to mistake the local maxima for the global one, it is WRONG)
the one that agrees well with my worldview?(the exact problem with theology nowadays and in the past, so much of it was shaped to match the contemporary world view, that alot of what we belief to be solidly biblical is actually just enlightment philosophy)

or did God just intend for different christians to believe different things
doest seem to agree with i am the way the truth and the light

some people would pull the faith card, but exactly, why not have faith that God meant for me to be a postmodernist?

so anyways, i guess i'll just continue to pray,
admittedly less than i ought to, and more that my brain tells me is logical to.

2011-10-28T15:45:00.000+08:00

walking back to hall in the rain today,
i realised how much of a blessing it is that God causes it to rain on both the just and unjust.

i love rain
but that aside, if blessings were exchanged for browny points,
bad christians like me,
disfunctional christians who fail to be just, sometimes by shortcoming, other times by design
would find ourselves in a much more arid environment

Thank You God, for being beyond fairness and propriety
that grace is more for the sinner than the pharisee,
and that making the book of life is different from making santa's mailing list.

one question, how do you really be good for goodness sake, if you get presents under a tree for it

2011-10-13T12:28:00.000+08:00

i dont want whatever ur peddling anymore
please go away and let me alone

2011-09-22T21:13:00.000+08:00

So what are u setting the stage for?

2011-09-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

For some reason I felt really deflated just now

Gosh this really is becoming a place to complain about the weariness of life

Right now im struggling with two sentiments, one of fatalism, one of apprehension of life, neither of which I know is very Christian

Part of me is hoping that like some cheap greecian theatre, God will somehow appear in the midst and everything will turn out right
Deux Ex MAchina, it sounds cooler than the idea it Actually suggests....

The is still humor in the world,
It's just that the time between laughter seems to be dragging long and thin

sometimes I just wish I could it burst out laughing, or cry uncontrollably,
I think both acts while not particular to humans, is probably the most humane in our repertoire.

I think of the emotions, I find resignation and despair the most beautiful, well mYbe relief makes it to top 3 as well

Don't get me wrong, im not masochistic, or sadistic (contrary to popular belief)
It's just that other sentiments are just so fickle and easily shaded by circumstance and mood

Despair cuts straight through our mental and emotive walls,
The hollow pit in our stomach, the crushing weight of reality
The utter bleakness of it's countenance....

I think maybe Gods love is a lot like despair
In how we dont really feel it per say but are consumed by it, nearly crushed by it

If despair is so present it transcends feeling,(IMO despair is more an experience than a feeling)
Resignation probably is one of the most subtle

I think its feels so much like apathy that though the common expression of resignation in literature is that of a sigh, and a shrug, and a deflated posture,
I think it's a sigh we feel the least

It's not strange I guess that relief follows these two closely, if it does at all

Perhaps it's strength as a sentiment arises from the magnitude of the formers
Sometimes so powerful, it takes days for it to register

2011-09-07T13:49:00.000+08:00

Ive been moody alot lately, I wouldnt lie by saying i totally have no idea why,
I do know why in parts, but they just dont seem to add up to enough to justify how fustrated i feel

perhaps the weariness of life is getting to me
perhaps the humors are out of balance

met up with an old church friend, well the term "ex-church" friend is more accurate actually
and i realised through him how many of us whom i thought settled down somewhere arent so settled anymore

perhaps when we left, we left our hearts behind

but there isnt anywhere to go back to
or at least isnt much to go back to
being a nomad is wearying

sometimes i just feel like running
well more figuratively anyways
physics tells us that if we run fast enough, we'd eventually leave the earth
i think that'd be nice
to float around in empty vastness and not have to bother about all the shit thats down below

a friend told me that he has started to doubt
and asked how do we know that wad we believe in, that which has been distilled over time
is in fact the truth or if the truth has be lost through all that merciless boiling
let me get it clear, he didnt stop being a theist, he was doubting the collective tradition of christianity that we have today

i didnt get a chance to answer him then
but for my own sake i shall attempt to here

well let me start of saying from a intellectual standpoint
we dont
thats the whole postmodernist bent
we have no absolute proof
all the stuff that people went around giving lectures on to disprove dan brown
well they did have more grounds than a fictional story perhaps
but yes, the dead sea scrolls though a brilliant archaelogical find could very well be a hoax by some 16th century artist just as how the shroud of turin is now thought to be.

so where do we go from there
well we start from a standpoint where believe that Gods is real, and he is good, and he is loving
(be it from personal experience or whatever means of getting there) (of course we believe in his omnipotence and omniscience and so on....)

and for a moment, just a moment (although these moments are far too frequent for me)
lets assume that the stuff they preach in church is misguided misinformation, truth passed down through centuries and warped alongst the way by impotent men who saw to it to color it as they pleased.

well faith is trusting God to speak out of the chaos
and if we believe that God is real and still works,
we believe that he will redeem his word, and his church (although i grimace as i type this)
faith is believing that God will still let Himself be heard above the noise and the subjectiveness of the clergy

i guess faith is also trusting God to find us a home
and to deal with all the angst

2011-07-23T01:57:00.000+08:00

It's scary really,
How we get so used to our bindings and fetters,
And let our dreams and hopes shrivel up inside

Do our chains become part of us,
Our weaknesses and faults making up a bigger slice of our ego than we dare admit

Soar, fly? With all this dead weight of past failures, social constructs,and responsibilities?

Sometimes I think I begin to think I understand wad the old one meant when she said God allows our dreams to die before fulfilling them
There's no way we could with what we are, with so much dead flesh still alive

I've asked so many times why I'm still here, when I want so much to out and leave,
Could the metaphysical really intersect with the unpleasant and the mundane?
Could the kingdom come in the midst of all this?

Jesus asked Saint Peter "do you love me?"
His reply was in effect, only as a friend

Im beginning to realize how much I identify with that,
And I'm a lousy friend at that

2011-06-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I'll break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel

The life, the love

You'd die to heal

The hope that starts

The broken hearts

You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no fool

I'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

2011-05-23T18:41:00.000+08:00

why i wont become an anglican

to put it in one word
tradition

perhaps this is the anti-institutional, anti-establishment part of me rearing its ugly head
but yes
part of me just shudders at the idea of the amount of authority we assign to concepts and practices that people develop and pass down through the ages

i mean granted, men though lacking intelligence in general do come up with practices and ideals that should be passed down for posteriety

but the church has done some nasty things in the name of tradition

we insisted that the earth was flat, and perscuted people speaking in tongues in the name of tradition
heck, if we wanted to be purist, we would have stuck with the catholic church of england,

even now, part of me wonders how in the name of tradition we can embrace gender inequality and racial lines

primes

2011-05-23T18:29:00.000+08:00

been trying to squeeze in more reading now since my holidays started

ive realised ive got a particular weakness for fiction with subtle hints at mathematics
though the mathematics involved is often non-existant or distant limited to the characters professions.

anyways just recently read through a book called the solitude of prime numbers
quite a nice quainty story on broken, lonely people who are attracted to each other

i loved how the author toyed around with the idea of twin primes, how they exist in the infinity that is the contium of integers, and how such lonely numbers can be so close to each other, yet seperated for ever and ever

i guess 23 is a really lonely number since it is the smallest prime number barring 2 and 3, which is not part of a twin prime pair......

i figure if people were integers, we'd all be really lonely
since there is an uncountable infinity of reals between any two of us,
i figure that is probably true even if we arent integers

we'll always have an infinity of time and space between any two of us.

2011-04-12T17:55:00.000+08:00

i just got rid of the tagboard

realised that some online bot was spamming it
i figure if the people who know me want to communicate, they know how to get me anyways

i think ive realised i need a personal assitant,

my lack of finesse and general awareness of deadlines and fine details is starting to get me in trouble

so yeah there is an opening
feel free to apply, walk in interviews are available too

2011-04-11T21:17:00.000+08:00

looking back,
recalling how we wished that moment would last forever

we were younger then, and much wiser
so much wiser

its strange though how that one defining moment seems to only exist in my mind now
time hasnt been too kind

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing

2011-01-30T22:40:00.001+08:00

this song brought me a measure of peace i guess in the past few days.

2011-01-30T17:02:00.002+08:00

But You’re always…. You’re always
You’re always
Out of reach

What the hell, I’m losing my marbles over
Something I can’t see
I’d build a bridge, but I doubt I’d be any closer
To where You’d be.
mt epiphany by inch chua

lifehouse- they dont write songs like this no more

2011-01-29T00:42:00.000+08:00

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
I'd watch you wait until you come around
Around

2011-01-27T01:02:00.002+08:00

lolsssss
sorry quantum physics joke

2011-01-27T00:57:00.002+08:00

a friend happened to point out to me that i dont update my blog
so i figured an update would be apt at this point,
although i dont know who would actually read this....
according to einstein, the definition of insanity is :
doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
(which ironically seems to me like what some scientist are in the business of, although i suppose a little insanity in the name of science and progress isnt a bad thing, u must be quite insane to pursue science as a career)

but yeah, id be suprised if anyone comes here at all expecting a post, seeing how i rarely post anything

but well, this post is dedicated to the insane, and to those whom im certain are pure evil

so how have i been
i really dont know how to answer that one,
i dont have a simple straight answer to that,
and no number on any scale will do, cos my moods seem to lack consistancy

on one hand ive got quite alot going for me
at least accademically, which for singaporean students is supposed to be all and end all
but i dont really care

on the church front
i still wont ever be caught saying that ive settled down

spiritually i guess im not where i want to be (who is), but im glad ive made some progress
at least, i think im no longer resentful against God

emotionally and psychologically,
theres alot of discontent simmering under the surface
mixed in with an unhealthy dose of apathy, pessmism, fatalism and uncertainty

i dont blog much nowadays abt pessmism, or doubt, or inner dialogues
trying to keep that part of me to a minimum, although i figure it'll always be a part of me
i'll always be a cynic, always too intellectual for my own good
always indulging in intellectual priggery

anyways
only 13 year old pubescant teens have the right to rant abt all the angst and growing pains they go through,
no one wants to hear a 23 year old guy talk admit how lost he is
even though i sometimes wonder if we grow more lost as we age

im trying, with mixed results, to live more simply, to be ignorant even

who cares if i can see how much of a bugger the people around me are,
or if im all too aware of the social undercurrents, and lack of social justice
who cares if im painfully aware of the lack of love in our midst

it hurts to care, and im not ready for that again

im really sorry, if you were hoping to read this to gain some measure of solace, certainty or comfort
those are really scarce in these parts

2011-01-02T22:14:00.000+08:00

forgive my new found apprehenshion for speaking anything
i just dont want my words to be empty anymore

and im scared out of my wits
afraid to care
cos caring hurts

2010-11-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

its one of those nights, when im stuck in hall, albeit almost against my will
listening to emo songs on youtube, boys like girls, a fine frenzy and snow patrol

it promises to be a slow and boring night
oh wells

been feeling kind crappy this week

on another note
i think im learning more how to appreciate family
which i guess is great

dasgopherophbp'r

lost the mood to study, do any work or anything remotely productive

2010-11-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

just love this xkcd guest strip done by the author of questionable content, another web comic i love

2010-11-16T03:56:00.000+08:00

i know its gonna make me look like such a geek, but i actually found this funny

2010-11-16T03:35:00.000+08:00

its 330am and i probably should be sleeping

part of me is wondering where have you been all my life
where have i been all my life

i think part of me is having a crisis of purpose
again

i know rhetoric about the metaphysical is pointless
and ive been down this neural walkway before
but i think theres a part of me that craves for that rush and awe again

im not really a nice guy
i get bored real easy
bored of people
well some people
and yes, im a terrible elitist

sometimes i wish i were either much smarter or much dumber

not smart enough to ride the undercurrent but not dumb enough to be ignorant
to percieve the door but to be keenly aware how beyond me it is

2010-11-16T03:10:00.000+08:00

for some reason or other been feeling a little out of it the past few days
havent had to do much work or much else

was watching the first episode of californication on tv
yeah i know
a dinosaur show

maybe im catching up on some lost youth or something ala michael jackson, dont worry im not going to go change my skin colour or hit on small boys

i know ive used this quote before,
but its scary
how you can miss something you've never had so much

2010-11-05T11:42:00.001+08:00

i think i may be losing my mental acquity,
tts such a scary thought, maybe im just tired
i hope

2010-10-30T23:17:00.000+08:00

im really happy for you
but im kinda pissed you didnt tell me abt it

maybe im being a self-centred ass
and maybe part of this is my own doing

i just
argh
abjosppagahpb

2010-10-29T12:29:00.000+08:00

recently on two seperate occassions, one last night, one a while ago, ive been having strange dreams of myself in a supermarket

ive decided to google it out of curiousity and to kill some time
lols
i think most of what they say out there on the net is probably crap
but yeah

some interpretations ive come across
1. we need or think we need accountability
2.denotes thrift and much activity in all occupations.
3.Needing to focus on making simple, basic decisions

Having a wide variety of options

4.means that you are emotionally and spiritually intense, or that you are in search of new ideas and new challenges 5.Groceries offer an endless and tempting variety of things. To dream of being in a market means you are faced with tough choices, all of which look perfect and inviting. You are shopping not just for material things, but for things that relate to your emotional or social needs. You might be concerned of making the wrong choice in spending your money/attention/energy.

lols
now im just wondering if the lack of coherence btwn articles is just a sign that these interpretations just pull words out of their asses trying to find a suitable explanation....
kinda like qm
as long as the math fits if we abuse it enough

2010-10-28T01:34:00.000+08:00

so ive got nothing on ya

stupid mid terms, stupid stupidity

2010-10-25T21:37:00.000+08:00

in an attempt to put in order and make sense of some of my thoughts, ive decided to start blogging abit more regularly

i think my mind works alot like an episode of the simpsons
lackign coherence, and going all over the place

so anyways
.
.
.

while walking back to hall today, i had that fleeting feeling again
something akin to what CS Lewis describes as that sheer northerness
im hoping its the same, but in a post-mordernistic world can experiences every be similar?
but yeah
that sense of awe and lonliness of the sheer scale of the world around us
i think one draw back of living in a globalised world is that we lose a true perspective of size
shrinking distances make us seem so much larger and all important
we lose our sense of relativity to sheer vastness

the heights, depths and volume of reality

i used to romanticise stoicism
but i think as ive grown (hopefully i have)
i learn more about of the virtues of weakness and vulnerability
how sometimes being simple and fragile is much

i wish i knew what pursuing something at all cost would feel like

honestly,
im just shit scared

2010-10-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

lols found this poem watchin harrold and kumar escape from GB
ok fine, maybe i like it cos im a geek but anyways

The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg

I'm sure that I will always be

A lonely number like root three

The three is all that's good and right,

Why must my three keep out of sight

Beneath the vicious square root sign,

I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,

with just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun, as 1.7321

Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,

Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,

Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer,

Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds

With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued

Your love for me has been renewed

inch chua @tab

2010-10-08T00:03:00.000+08:00

had a really great great time out last night
went to tab at delfi orchard
and caught the set by inch chua
omg

she sang aqueous oblivion and find fix and save from her ep
and i felt like melting

mmm
after it stupid moss managed to prod me into taking a picture with her and
well i wouldnt say chat with her cos i was too shy
but yeah
it was great talking to her

gosh

im like pulling a fanboy moment here....
but yeah
whoo inch chua whooo

2010-10-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

i dont really believe in the credibility of dreams

but having had a bible quiz on genesis recently, im wondering if maybe theres more to them than rem

anyways, i think i do need to take stock and learn to appreciate the people around me more

beer plus ping pong not equals beer pong

2010-10-02T01:58:00.002+08:00

today was fun

i guess anytime i go out with that bum its fun
lols
didnt know drinking beer and playing ping pong at the same time could be so fun

thank God for friends who can read me like an open book sometimes
and on a side note, i need to learn to be less socially awkward

2010-09-10T18:10:00.003+08:00

felt like crying on my way home today

how did we become so lost

because there isnt the lost cause of revival to fawn over?
have we simply lost marx's opiate of the people?

sometimes i wish it could be more easily rationalized
we learn in quantum mechanics that light, energy and momentum are quantised
meaning they exist in distinct packages

maybe purpose and reason exist in distinct quantities too

i only know im kinda short on both at the moment

we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
~crash, 2004

2010-09-10T01:35:00.001+08:00

today was queer

still trying to make sense of nothing happening

maybe its just my mindset that events must have metaphysical significance that makes we wish things we were more meaningful

sigh

2010-09-06T22:41:00.002+08:00

lols, maybe we're just not fated to meet on sundays... lols

school started for a week plus and well its been taking some getting used to getting back in schedule

new hall, new environment

cant complain though, im not in aerospace having a crazy timetable packed with too many modules

i have so much to be thankful for
so many people i should be grateful for

i think i dont do it enough
appreciating people

well although it doesnt make much sense to do it here
since they probably wont see it cause they dont read it

but yeah thanks so much
mh for being my friend even though you one of the coolest guys i know
hahaha
room full of blues was great, but i think opening up to each other was better

thanks zaids for being so patient, willing to put up with our nonsense and all

thanks buddy group leaders for bearing with me jayce and tdd who is gone now

thanks eeli for probably being the only one who still reads... haha maybe not the only one but yeah

my talk with mh was great, made me realise people see the way i carry myself and the way i treat other people around me really does affect the people around me

id admit, i struggle alot with loving people
no thats a lie
i dont really try to put up a struggle
there are people i simply dont like, and i dont put in the effort to be civil to them
i just ignore them

i know that apathy being the antithesis of love is evil and all that

but

i guess the state of my life right now

maybe thats why i dont really like to blog nowadays
because it sometimes means coming to terms with the ugliness i see in myself
the apathy, the jealousy, the callousness, the narcissism

and no,
no cause for concern or worry,
this isnt some bout of depression and self pity

its just honest, harsh realistic introspection

reminded how some days it seems like we have existance forced upon us without our permission
and we're dragged kicking screaming cursing into day
baptised by trial and fire into a hostile world, which reflects for us to see the ugliness of our souls

but yeah
im grateful, at least on the days when it does strike me
for the friends ive made who stand by me, and make me remember that there is warmth and love in the world,
that though we dont have much, we have each other
cheers

2010-08-29T00:15:00.001+08:00

i probably should find a more suitable template but im lazy

sch is on the brink on starting and im strangely looking forward to it

although
yes after thinking about what you said
i think i am a bad influence
i shall start asking the people around me to mug from now on

2010-08-26T23:37:00.002+08:00

changed my template abit.... lols cos well who the heck reads my blog anyways??!!!

friends i was out with today with brought up an interesting point

that instead of sa i should have gone to one of the top schs in singapore
get a proper education
then instead of getting the mindset that i probably wouldnt get a scholarship if i tried
i would be driven and all
maybe be in some ivy league place somewhere far away challenging myself
maybe

if u asked me a few years ago if i would change my choices if i could turn back time
i would probably refuse

but time it seems makes a fool of us all

i mean like why the hell not
go to some place where they would groom me to be the best
get teachers to brainwash me: that i have a bright future and am the future leader of tomorrow and all that bull

maybe things would be better
maybe id be out there right now seeing the world, having the rest of my life laid out ahead of me

maybe id have a little something called ambition
doesnt the world and everybody like to see that in a person
and with that a whole lot of swagger and attitude

heck, i may even be one of them elitist bastards, (i seem to have met alot recently)
pompous jerks who only aim for the top and trample on everyone who doesnt get out of their way

well ive met enough of these "highfliers" to think that it probably doesnt make a difference

heck, maybe all the real highfliers are busy flying too high studying overseas at havard or mit to meet me, so my uneducated opinion is simply just that

my favourite author whom i havent quoted in awhile did note that its useless talking about what might have been because in any case,
it isnt
and aside from what is (though some quantum mechanics metaphysicist may say with their metaphysical theories of alternate universes sprouting everytime we make a decision)
there is no other

some days though, i do wish i knew what i wanted
maybe it wouldnt be too bad even if it proved to be some illusive dream

2010-07-18T23:59:00.001+08:00

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me

2010-06-28T00:44:00.002+08:00

firstly because this blog is a place to rant
and secondly, because i no one would care if i told them how these little things irritate me

forgive me if im too overcritical of preachers.... its just me i think

1) I have a thing against preachers quoting einstein... actually i have something against most people quoting einstein....

they think they lend credibility to what they say just because the mention the name of one of the greatest minds....

einstein was not a christian, and while he had jewish heritage, i doubt he was observing....
while he was not an atheist either, unless preachers intend for me to embrace my theistic sprinkled with agnosticism leanings

hai

i just feel strongly that normal people should try to refrain from making such quotations which make them seem, ironically in this case, retarded...

2) ur little experiment with the benjamin franklin quotation while interesting for playing on academic stereotypes, failed in other ways

the whole point of that refrain to me seemed to be more about the importance of care, especially the care for the details and the intangibles....

it seemed to me more like a reminder to brush my teeth and tie my shoelaces than a useful note to be mindful of sin....

2010-05-27T01:18:00.001+08:00

i did quite well for my exams again
thank God
i guess
although honestly my faith has been quite a struggle

actually not even a struggle

feels like im just letting go in that department
i dont know

dun ask why please

2010-05-19T22:05:00.002+08:00

so what shall we say about this wakeful dream
this brief sobriety called life
love laughter warmth and merriment grow flourish bubble up
but entropy catches up and we are soon lost in the cold vastness of space

so intoxicated by our own youth,
we forget the ephermal fleeting nature of our existance

here for our brief day in the sun
and before we know it

gone

the ancients built pyramids and cast numbers in stone,
hoping to be remembered in ignomy long after their passing

you were so full of love and promise
but you were snatched away so suddenly
before we could erect our own monuments or scream our message into the darkness

you will be missed
and i do know that the world is an alot colder place
now that your gone
mr congeniality

2010-05-15T21:59:00.000+08:00

reached daejong a day ago... well
its not as happening as seoul
less night life
less street food

but yeah
visiting the koean uni has been interesting
and yeah having a pretty korean girl guide us around aint bad too

2010-05-12T22:40:00.002+08:00

so this is my second night in korea
and i have been in seoul and loving it

haha
sorry to all those whom i told that i wasnt going to seoul
i tot we were going to dajeong or something like that
we are but we are spending more time in seoul first playing
woots

but yeah
beautiful place
nice ppl

cant really get kimchi, but the rest of the food isnt half bad

the clothes sizes here are abit small though... which makes it abit hard to shop
maybe i'll just get shoess
sorry
being materialistic again
but yeah

i just love being out of singapore

and korea is a beautiful place
makes one wonder whats wrong with the current place i live in
hahaha

2010-05-07T04:29:00.002+08:00

omg, i just pulled an eric cheonging my cnyrp report
lols
thanks so much ming han
for being a slacker
so i didnt have to be the only one stuck in school up at 3 doing a report....
hhahhaa
i would buy you a drink but you dont drink so i'll just buy myself two

anyways, what a perfectly retarded way to end my last night of the first semester

hope i didnt screw up my research too badly....
oh wells

nothing a stiff drink cant solve

its sad really how people are still getting hurting over it
its been what nearing one year now

why cant some retards just learn to let go

2010-04-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

found a new webbie with random math/science related comics

and yeah

this is why i usually dont talk about the joys of math with others

2010-04-15T14:38:00.002+08:00

we learn in physics that despite what they teach you in secondary school
actions cannot and do not act at a distance
there's always a field mediating the stress

i guess im realising that there is no point keeping some things the way they are when all thats between us is dead space and stale air

time to cut myself free and move on i guess....

we keep telling ourselves that we've moved on, that we dont care anymore
but i think the problem is that we havent and we cant....

never thought that the weirdos and outcast would be the ones who'd hold on to what we had so tightly

a little gem i found on youtube... loving the glockenspiel...

its not a xylephone... xylephone notes are made of wood....

2010-04-15T01:18:00.000+08:00

thanks to ming han, this song is now making rounds in my head

so enjoy

2010-04-10T16:46:00.003+08:00

Let me set this straight
i don't "emo"
"emo-ing" is what teengaers do when tehy try to make sense of the angst and confusion a change in hormones bring

I simply dont have the time or emotional energy to emo
yes, i do contemplate a gamut of thoughts and emotions, remininsce in the past, rue my mistakes and missed chances while cling on to the flukes i consider my triumphs...
i do view my future and general lack of direction with trepidation and sometimes carry a sense of melachony others may not deem healthy,

but there is no real need to worry about me..
im not some younge puberscent adolescent who might cut his wrist at mere heartbreak

i may need a drink to tide me through the night
but i wake up the next day and deal with my own shit
because thats what adults do right??

i just hope we never outgrow laughing chilling hanging around
i hope we never run out of time to lavish on the unproductive, spending hours just chilling or singing out of tune

2010-04-06T19:29:00.003+08:00

i think ive always been disorganised?
but im beginning to realise the true extent to which it reaches

i think even my thoughts are a mess

oh wells

2010-04-02T01:57:00.003+08:00

think im over the hump

mmm
now if i can just get down to typing up my school work... then everything will be peachy
well maybe not everything

but i think theres just so much to be thankful for

so yeah
thanks
i guess

2010-03-28T11:05:00.000+08:00

lols.... emo song for emo days

2010-03-27T16:15:00.003+08:00

well i caught the first 2 episodes of the latest season of House
i must say, i didnt really like the first episode much
mmm
not that it was bad

but i guess i felt out of mode
seeing that sacarstic, cooky anti-hero,
who i must admit to semi-idolizing; thrown into a mental institution

well why do i like the character so much?
maybe i resonate with the sacarsm and the meaness

but teh second episode kinda grew on me
it reminded me that no matter, how strong, or apathetic we think we are
we all have needs
we all can get hurt
and we all have psychological defects one way or the other

and while its hard
its worthwhile trying to still be humane

and i guess im giving up without trying?
i guess for me this will always been one of those
what could have been crossroads
but things as they are arent too bad
and i dont think i want to try fixing what isnt broke,
everything except my heart i guess

2010-03-27T15:22:00.001+08:00

i still think im too nice

2010-03-26T10:19:00.001+08:00

well i havent exactly seen the ocean?
lols

but ive decided
that i'll live through this
and hopefully become, bigger, stronger, wiser, and more beautiful

mmm
well maybe not bigger... cos im big enough
but yeah

2010-03-25T21:48:00.002+08:00

I think ive gotten too used to cruising through life, so much so that ive forgotten how to pedal the gas, and pursue the things I really want
I keep telling myself to wait, for a better time, that next week, month or sem will be the opportune time, but ive missed too many, waited for spring to find the trees falling off the leaves again...
to come back for my bounty, only to find it claimed by another...

Letting every chance to live pass me by
I keep telling myself I don’t really know what I want, but even when I do, I think Im too used to acting like I don’t
I think im too scared, too caught up in wanting to be nice…
what am i actually afraid of?
their glances their glares
making a fool of myself?
of losing things, ive nvr really owned?
what is this reaching out yet recoiling in trepidation...
to fear the familiar and the unknown
why am i still here...
a place strange yet too much familiar

we never really do change do we
we grow up
grow stronger
grow older
grow wiser
but still the same demons and skeletons
still a small insignificant blip on the radar
the trivia on the bottle cap

But nobody remembers the nice amiable, amicable guys; the footnotes
I want to be missed, I want to be remembered… maybe im being narcisstic here, but at least im being honest.

2010-03-25T09:52:00.002+08:00

one in the head and the heart

well what to do
bite the bullet
move on
live on

well
i'm still here

2010-03-20T23:44:00.002+08:00

it was such a blast
ok maybe im being biased because there was carlsberg on draft, free food, and i got to be part of a band for one night
but yes
the whole cny annual dinner was really a blast

and im so proud of all my band mates
penguin, ashley, joe and especially li hui

mmm
there was abit of nerves
but once we started, i think we did pretty darn good

i just hope the photos dun come back to haunt me

2010-03-17T23:27:00.002+08:00

i think one thing guys are very susceptible to is needing an activity or a pursuit to embolden our sense of identity

i think ever so often
we find ourselves labelling ourselves along the lines
im a basketball kinda guy
or a debate kinda guy
or in my case... a slack... oh wells, thats not really a thing
but tts my point

mayhaps because of how much we dont have a clear idea of self
we latch on to these things or ideals
these things bigger than ourselves, like parasites
hoping we'd count for more
just because we're into running every other night
or we can do calculus better than mere mortals

mm in case u get the impression i run every other night i dont
but thats not the point either

just happened to see this video of this 8 yr old kid doing calculus
so i guess ive lost my edge as well

i think we're so much more than the things we're into or good at?
each of us is capable of so much kindness and resolve

i think it's really sad if any of us belittle ourselves just because we cant run a mile without dying
or cant dance, or cant grasp 4 dimensional hyperspaces in our heads for that matter

2010-03-17T23:10:00.001+08:00

2010-03-07T01:44:00.002+08:00

the unassuming ones always seem to ask the most poignant questions

we all want to be needed, and need to feel wanted....
but i lack the intestinal fortitude to admit that i need you........

I guess God was right when he figured it was not good for man to be alone

and yeah
i guess we are friends, although i hate the semi-church tag...
kinda sensitive to it... its complicated i guess

i apologize in advance for being a lousy friend... i'll try my best...

i need you
i guess

2010-03-04T02:34:00.000+08:00

im missng you already

2010-02-28T18:27:00.002+08:00

while talking to lian today, mmm
other than learning about various interesting happenings

i was reminded of something that really helps me
there are so many what ifs in life

what if i was smarter, taller, more handsome,
what if i went to some elite sch instead of everyones fav sch in an opposition ward

but when we do that we are talking rubbish
senile rot if i may so call it

what did not happen does not exist....
yes it could have been, but how are we to know
unless some alternate dimension is out there, with a jeremy,
who is smarter than me, more charming and maybe even gay....

2010-02-28T18:16:00.002+08:00

its sobering really, how fast time moves on
and people change and drift apart

and we lose the things we used to stand for, and the ground gets taken from under our feet

but im thankful that at every stage of my life since i can remember,
well maybe except one very awkward stage

ive always had friends to chill with on a daily basis

i think thats been one of my greatest blessings

2010-02-28T18:10:00.000+08:00

went for a talk on braids in physics by Prof CN Yang
if you dont know who he is, well you better not be studying phyics or science for that matter
cos he is a nobel laureate.....
actually before i came to ntu i didnt even know who he was
hahahaha

oh wells
but im glad fedor asked me to go for the talk
i dont know
its kinda like stuff came together in my mind again?

mmm
maybe thats not a good sign, since every major decision i make seems to be based on signs ala paulo coehlo style
well i chose ntu because of the ad on the back of a bus
and i left my previous church because of..........

but i guess it was comforting to hear how topology, a pure math could be analogous to the path of fermions
cause ive been tryign to understand closed plane curves to no avail

but yeah
i guess i should put more thought into it before jumping into pure math instead of applied math as my major

2010-02-26T00:44:00.002+08:00

if only

we could choose the hands we were dealt

the way things are now, theres so much to be thankful for
i guess

but it seems that our lot is the dearth of dreams
for a moment there i thought i found another
but it seems we're lonely poor souls in this waking world

if only we could chill, joke, laugh and mess around forever
i dont want these days to end

2010-02-12T23:58:00.001+08:00

the first song in a long time to give the chills

This great evil - where's it come from?
How'd it steal into the world?
What seed, what root did it grow from?
Who's doing this?
Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light?
Mocking us with the sight of what we might of known?
Does our ruin benefit the earth, aid the grass to grow and the sun to shine?
Is this darkness in you, too?
Have you passed through this night?

2010-02-12T01:45:00.001+08:00

we are a messed up bunch
born into broken times in a broken world

well at least we have each other
some days

2010-02-11T00:13:00.002+08:00

thank you ming han for giving me ur explosions in the sky stuff

2010-02-10T23:39:00.002+08:00

i was just remininscing with my roomate of how cny seems with every passing year
to become something more of dread than joy

i think it has to do with how we lose the magic growing up

disillusioning really

the money and the food are the same, but i guess we lose the best parts of ourselves as we mature sometimes

i just cant stand relatives who honestly dont need to know asking me why im studying mathematics and what kind of a job im gonna do in the future
or asking me why im not attached yet, or telling me i put on weight

honestly, who cares
not everyone studies for the sake of finding work in the future

i cant stand cny
cos its a reminder that even the things we used to treasure and look forward to
we one day will no longer
and that blood isnt always thicker

2010-02-04T19:43:00.002+08:00

wow two posts in one day
maybe im out to prove something

i was sitting eating my dinner in canteen b(yes really sad) and i noticed that the sky was that particular hue it always reaches just before it gets dark
and then it started raining

and for a moment there
i felt that tinge in my heart

that longing that we get when we're percieving something beautiful and we wish for someone to share it with

i guess i wouldnt mind
having someone to share the beautiful things in life with
the sunset sky
the rain on the window pain and the thunder
the beach in Nice, France
listening to stormy by lifehouse while in the back of a jeep surrounded by wilderness

some moments i must admit
it gets lonely looking at the sky alone

men without chest

2010-02-04T18:24:00.004+08:00

i think ive had an epiphany into why im so reluctant to blog nowadays

its probably the subconscious realisation that i lack the ability to write anything truly beautiful (maybe it has something to with being a math student)
i think the mark of any good writer is he manages with simple words to transcend the form and peek into something nebulous and unobtainable

cheryl chen once mentioned to me, that its God's way of doing things, to let the dreams He gives us die, before fulfilling them in His time

well i dont know about the second part
but i think dead dreams are what i have plenty of now

im no renaissance men, and looking at my lack of wonder, i wont make it as a philosopher either

sometimes i wonder if i throw myself into mathematics not as some form of self-mortification

i guess there is beauty in math too.... somewhere somehow
but its form is alot more abstract than im capable of on any normal day

i think ive gotten good at walking away from churches

well i was never very good at integrating in the first place
but i fear that its become something of a habit
wait did i just make a pun
oh well it wasnt intended
and i am good at calculus, its the social thing i struggle at

so we rent our clothes and grovel in the dirt
because we are dust,
mere dust

on another note
it seems my blog has found a new follower
well thank you so much
i think its flattering that you consider anything i write worth reading
although it may very well have been by mistake
and might i say you right much more beautifully than i could ever hope to

and i must apologize to mr lian for borrowing your title
but on somedays, i think i for one lack the moral courage to face the next day

2010-01-19T23:12:00.002+08:00

i know i claimed that i would stop the narcisstic posts about myself and my opinion

but yeah
cant help myself

lols

anyways
a bunch of sch mates were like bringing up the question of what characteristics i like in a girl

and it dawned on me today(the events are quite far apart)
that what i would look for in a partner would be inspiration
i think if you do get together with someone
that person should be someone who inspires you to be better than you are
better than you think you are or can be at any rate

im making it sound like im asking for a joan of arc or a mother theresa
but anyways
it seems like wishful thinking
cause if i really do meet someone amazing who inspires me
i doubt id be much of an inspiration myself

oh wells
hopeful thinking is free isnt it

2010-01-14T00:25:00.002+08:00

a song,

dedicated to memories bittersweet

and to moving on

to having the moral courage to face the day ahead

and to being human

Oh, how I've tried to get you out of my head.
And I lied, broken words I said.
Never thought I'd walk on this street again.
Standing where it all began.

Tried to forget when I left this town,
But it takes me right back when I come back around.

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.

Oh, how I find every subtle thing screams your name.
It reminds me of places of times we shared.
Couldn't live locked in these memories.
Now I'm chained to my thoughts again.

And I tried to forget when I left this town,
But I'll take you right back if you come back around.

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.

I need some shelter, I need some safety.
Photographs, they haunt me lately.
Chasing shadows as the evening takes me.
I'm still searching, but the picture's fading.

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
I'm back there by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards, still counting backwards.

And no where else has ever felt like home.
And I can't fall asleep when I'm lying here alone.
I replay your voice, it's like you're here.
You move the earth, but now the sky is falling.

Retrace the steps we took on that long summer night.
In my mind, I'm back by your side.
Retrace the steps we took when we met worlds away.
Counting backwards while the stars are falling.

2010-01-09T11:39:00.003+08:00

Falling slowly
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Again another blogpost i cant identify with but for the sake of rememberance
they showed once on the tv in the hotel in KL

and yeah i fell in love with the whole idea of the show
shaky camera shots
dialogue so real, its trivial at times
everyday dialogue where we dont say what we mean,

and the bittersweet ending
how love is an impossibility and an incovenience at times
how we just go on living

if u havent heard the song u should

2010-01-09T11:35:00.002+08:00

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

well as u probably can guess, this is the poem in the movie invictus
a favorite of mendela during his time of imprisonment
i think the magic of the movie was more of mendelas story than the boks but thats just me
i wish i could identify more with this poem but i think i fall rather short

anyways... i thought id let this blog die, but i gather maybe i should at least make an update once in awhile
mmm
maybe the age of narcissism has died out
or maybe i dont have an opinion anymore
whatever the case

check out invictus
if not for the fake rugby
for the story of a man who after 30 years in jail came out ready to forgive those whom put him there

2009-10-04T00:38:00.002+08:00

back from a 5 days 4 nights camp at changi
so i had no mid term break effectively

not that it was a total waste of time
i mean sure
i managed to get over things i never thought myself doing
but no who really talks about those kinda stuff
like anybody really cares if i overcame my fears

but i think i did learn more about life
and i did meet some interesting people

2009-09-26T18:03:00.003+08:00

an excerpt from a book im reading
bits of me are falling apart by William leith
humourous, but i have no idea why im reading it
since its abt some middle age guys crisis

I stride on, holding today's baton. It contains the woes of the world, stories about guns, about young people with guns, about the nervous market, about this year's good exam results, which are the result of a con, a Ponzi scheme, and which, therefore, are not good exam results. They are bad exam results. The baton tells me about the death of love and the end of sport and the baton asks why.

The baton does not know.

The baton does not really want to know.

The coffee has made me waspish and edgy. But the endorphins from walking are making me loose and relaxed. A perfect combination you may think. It's like speedball, the heroine to make you loose and the cocaine to perk you up- I was going to say poor man's speedball, but thats not what i mean.

I dont do drugs now.

Now i do my 15000 steps every day.

Now im marching along, towards the river and supermarket, with its Alpine cupola, passing the specialist underwear outlet, holding the baton that contains the woes of the world.

'Why?' says the baton.

But the baton does not want to know. Everything falling apart, kids with guns, banks not able to explain where their money's gone, house price's crazy, monogamy on its last legs, levels of unhappiness soaring, levels of clinical depression off the scale, graffiti everywhere, perverts looming, children missing. What was it Joan Didion said? The centre is not holding, that's right- the centre is not holding, a quote from somebody, Yeats i think, not sure but I tinhk it's Yeats, Didion writing about the San Franscisco of 1967, telling us about the coldness and alienation that went along with the sex and drugs, and now things are the same apart from oen detail, which is that the coldness and alientation have a corporate feel, and my instinct here is to say things should be fine, but they're not, things should be fine, but we're not happy, really not happy at all, when you think about the fact that we're so incredibly comfortable it seems weird that we're not happy, but our comfort comes at a price, it comes at a high price. There's something murky and wrong about our way of life, something shifty and treacherous, and we can feel it, can't we, and it's beginning to tell, things are starting to give, things are starting to run out. We're eating away at the seed capital. We're using up the telomeres. We cant' go on doing things the way we're doing them, can't borrow any more, can't write anymore cheques. These are the woes of the world.

'Why?' says the baton.

But the baton does not really want to know.

And as i march along, approaching Bobby who is a heroine addict-turned-alcoholic sitting on a bench, sunning his wide red face - as i march along, I toss the baton into a bin, it spins satisfyingly and lands on the pile of dog shit the riverside dog walers have been considerate enought ot put into plastic bags. Shit in plastic - a greater environmental headache, I would have thought, than shit per se. Tell me I'm wrong.

2009-09-23T00:13:00.002+08:00

came home just
visited navigators just now with nic
suprisingly comfortable group

so anyways
nothing like a big mug of homemade bourbon
one of the pleasures in life

just raed an interesting quote on the way home
the rich are getting richer, and more miserable, the poor are getting richer, and more miserable
so where is all the money and misery coming from?

now i wouldnt know anything about it
as ive been blessed to come from the middle class,
the bourgeoisie

ive always liked the ring to that word

but so realy where does all this multiplying money and misery come from

2009-09-21T22:11:00.000+08:00

how could all the things i thought i stood for so easily become like chaff in the wind

2009-09-16T19:02:00.002+08:00

ive been tussling with the question of identity for some time
well not really tussling
tussling would imply active resistance
well
maybe ive been giving it some feeble second glances

i think i can safetly say that one thing my generation lacks is a sense of identity
for one, we're part of a generation that hates labels,
well
at least i hate labels
i hate labels, stereotypes, archetypes and anything that follows.....
i feel that limiting oneself by saying that i am this or that....
seems to put a person on two dimensions
even the label christian, which is supposed to be a joy to bear, seems to have attached to itself all kinds of right wing fundamentalism that makes one cringe
honestly, i think we christians havent portrayed the best image of ourself and of the one we're supposed to stand for

yes yes, im starting the whole diatribe again
granted we are God ordained in this world
my point is that we arent doing our job very well

so moving beyond that, back to labels
the previous generation seemed all about labels,
you are what you wear
or what you do
or what you behave like
being the quintessential something
my generation inherited this trait in its own heterozygous form
we strive to be whatever the label is
but when its applied to us
we hate it

we realise for one that there should be so so much more outside of something we're called, or something we end up doing
we find ourselves trapped in a rut, knowing the trap ahead of us but unable to turn away

sometimes i wonder which is worse
becoming another faceless nameless title, an afterthought, a whisper in the wind
or the anticipation of it,
knowing that we'd probably amount to not much but not able to find anything else

in sophies world, which is a translation of a norweigean book by the way,
one point raised is that the trait of a good philosopher is the capacity for wonder
i think on that point alone i have no future in philosophy
maybe i did at one point
then i grew old
ok
maybe i just grew cynical

and it is true,
that despite all the pessimism that we can garner from the world around us
(ppl who insist that optimism is a natural state obviously dont know alot)
(disclaimer: optimism, well true optimism, in my opinion is a state which requires alot of work if one isnt ignorant of course and is only mastered by the best of us; if ur an ignoramus being an optimist is normal... i mean sure u shd be mourning the lack of depth of ur mind but u probably arent capable of that)
there is alot to be in awe and wonder about

an epiphany came as i was walking back to hall
what does God say about the labels
i mean sure, He labelled himself as certain things, if i may respectfully put it that way

seems strange
that in my "backsliden state" i can dare to talk about God

He calls himself love, and goodness and kindness and just and all that jazz
but when Moses asked who God was
i mean sure He called Himself the God if Abraham Issac and Jacob
but He also called Himself "I AM WHO I AM"

well that wasnt how my thought train flowed
i dun think im holy enough for that
but i think when we apply labels too easily
like
i am a student
or you are a cudgel wielding simian, the progeny of a toad
we tend to focus on the second part so much we forget about the first part
the miracle and burden of existance

the very fact that we are, as opposed to nothingness
i mean sure we can be all cynical about why we're alive

one of CS Lewis favourite books was Loki Bound a story in which the jotunn Loki was poised and a symphatising light... in this version, Loki opposed Odin not because he was malicious but because he opposed Odin creating men against their will

and while the irony of that idea is indeed appealing
it is also nonsense
there is no alternative to non-existance
there is no what would it be like
because that is nonsense,
if it wasnt
it wouldnt be like anything

of course there would arise the other impt philosophical concept, the question what makes up i
i think therefore i am? or that we are our emotions or our memories or the sum of both or that we are merely physical, carnal beings
i dont think i have an answer to that?
there isnt really an objective answer, each persons answer would be affected by his value system

but thats what makes up part of who we are
our diversity

we arent just our labels
we exist
and our whole is greater than the sum of our parts
usually the whole is greater than the sum of the parts
unless you're considering quantum mechanics
but as with anything, emergent properties exist only when u zoom in or zoom out

so who am i
i am not much
but also so many things
and more importantly than that
i am

so where do i go from there?

2009-09-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

im blogging exactly because im currently slogging through a physics lab report that's eating up my insides
schools been ok? i would say fun, but it seems like a weird word to use since never before did i think mugging abit everyday, and keeping up with tutorials fun.
sure, i made some new friends and all, but nothing tight, at least not with anyone i didnt know before uni

someone said i shdnt stop blogging, that people read my blog because it's deep and thoughtful and stuff
well maybe that's because i usually dont dare blog when ive nothing to blog abt
as ppl who know me better understand,(yes thank you mr lian for knowing me too well so that you spill out stuff to ntu tabloids) i tend to be more reserved, keeping my thoughts to myself, that is if im thinking at all....
i feel as if ive just been going through the motions of late.

i mean sure, i think abt school work, and what to eat, and what to wear but its all mechanical, nothing deep or metaphysical, not that any of that seems to matter nowadays....

ive always liked indie movies that focus on the dialogue between a few people, you'd realise that very little of what is said is random, and even more meaningful than the lines are the words not said, the awkward silences and meaningful glances....

not that im anything like that, my dialogue tends to be trivial, and my silence even more absymal...

well, so according to mr lian, i look morose, am apathetic and nonchalent, am untidy, am reserved, am not good at teaching others, along with a host of other unbecoming tidbits that he so happily spilled out to a school paper.....
and i gave them his contact because i thought he would be politically correct while insightful
gosh
where to bury my head now.

you know if you were to ask me what i hate abt myself, id wouldnt be able to come up with alot...
i mean sure the list of my shortcomings is quite long
im not as handsome as timothy wan,
im not as bright as einstein,
i might appreciate the arts, but im far from the Renaissance standard of da vinci
im unfit, im introverted and reserved
im non-chalent and unsentimental
but none of those really irk, maybe
maybe because i dont care enough

but i think the one thing i really hate myself for is not having the courage to say what i mean and feel, while i mean and feel it, when it still matters

2009-09-10T02:05:00.000+08:00

i probably posted these lyrics before but they're just too good

when you find your castle on the hill
with the bars on the windows
will you burn the bridge behind you
will you ever come out and see the sun again
or will you hide
and now how long has it been
since you've seen the light

make your way on the stairs
to the top of your tower
stone cold floors
hardwood doors
lead you to your room of plastic flowers
they still look the same
drenched in water
it comforts you to think that they're alive

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

step outside the shadows of your cage
strangled truth
stolen youth
is written on every line of every page
it's your story
do you want it back
you have to decide if it is worth it
swim across the swamp to the other side
run until you're out of breath
and when you look back they'll be nothing left
but a memory fading quickly

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself
after all